“God uses broken things. It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. It is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever.” ― Vance Havner
Have you noticed that I've been SUPER quiet lately?? In the past month or so I've had to take a step back and deal with my "stuff." Somewhere along this journey I've run out of fire. For me, it's a combination of fighting through an injury, accommodating an arthritic ankle, working around my kids needs/schedules, financial issues, not being able to teach fitness classes, hitting a seemingly never ending plateau, and just being plain exhausted. For three years I've been fighting the good fight. And as soon as I got close enough to see my goal realized things went haywire.
In April I was down to 207 lbs--so freaking close! And today I'm at 230 lbs--what the hell??!! This is the first time since I've started this journey that I've GAINED a significant amount of weight. At one point, I think back in June, it was just 12 lbs. You would think that with all I've been through and everything I've learned that I would not have let this happen...but I did. Beyond the gain are the feelings of failure and anxiety. Over the last week in particular I have felt myself slipping back into depression which makes me just want to stay in bed and escape my reality. My spirit is broken.
I'm tired. It seems like I've worked my butt off and haven't gotten the best returns. I look at the stories of others (comparing myself, which is a no-no) and how they lost 100 lbs and can now bear their gorgeous tummies and I wonder why it's so hard for me. Part of me just wants to retreat for a while and rediscover my passion for fitness without the pressure of weight loss. Part of me just wants to put on some baggy sweat pants and eat a never-ending bag of chips. But it's not in me to go quietly into the night--no matter how hard I try. This morning I was teaching my four-year old about rhyming words and he got frustrated and said, "Just forget it. I'm never gonna do it." And I told him to keep trying and asked, "Would God want you to give up?" As he said, "No" the Holy Spirit jabbed me in the ribs and made me answer the same question. Just because it's hard doesn't mean that the vision was wrong or isn't coming to fruition.
For whatever reason, my journey is what it is. Things don't come easily for me, but I never give up. God gifted me with resilience, tenacity, and a desire to live the best life that I can while here on this earth. As hard as these last few months have been and as exhausted as I am, in my heart of hearts I know that I can never go back to what I was--nor do I want to. If you are reading this, please pray for me. Know that I bare my authentic self to you in the hopes that you will gain something useful to keep you moving forward. It's not all lettuce leaves and crunches; your head and your spirit are as much a part of sustained success as exercise and diet.
In 25 days I'm going to hit the course of the Run Like a Diva Half Marathon. My training has been lax and my passion has been hot and cold. I have no idea what to expect. Over the next few weeks my only goal is to renew my motivation, rediscover my passion, and redefine my vision, my purpose. Out of my struggles, my brokenness, I know that God can produce something beautiful.
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