"It's very hard to understand in the beginning that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants to quit."-- Dr. George Sheehan

Sometimes I hear this voice in my head saying, "You're gonna gain all that weight back, watch." I hear people bragging all the time about losing 15 pounds or 50 pounds and while I congratulate them I'm really thinking, "But can you keep it off?" Not because I'm sadistic and hateful, but because I know the true test is in the maintenance. I've lost hundreds of pounds over my lifetime, but I've never kept it off for any significant amount of time. Back in 2003 I lost a whopping 60 pounds; i went from 312 pounds to 252 pounds. And then winter came. Then I met a man. Then I got married. Then I changed jobs. Then I lost 15 pounds. Then I had a baby. Then I went through depression. Then I had twins. Then I was even more depressed and weighed in at 319 pounds in 2009.

So, that voice I hear is born of my past experience. I hate that voice because I'm not one to be ruled or driven by fear. What I have found over the last five months is that my greatest motivator is the need to achieve, to be better than I was a week ago. This evening that voice of fear started in. Then his cousin anxiety started messing with me and had me thinking about how I was going to wash the dishes, put away laundry (which never seems to end!), study my Spanish, read for my class, AND workout. My old self started craving a bag of chips. The need to stress eat started creeping up. That's when I remembered that day on the hill in downtown Nashville when I let go of that old stuff. I refuse to pick it back up.

I made the decision to put on my workout clothes and do a little sumthin' sumthin' in the comfort of my living room. After my endorphin level was sufficient I felt ready to tackle the dishes, but instead of just standing at the sink I extended my workout. I cranked up my MP3 player and danced as I put away and washed dishes. Squats and back kicks, shimmying, using a plate as a top hat, acting like Michael Jackson, perfecting my Temptations 3-point turn. Ahhh!! Who knew you could have so much fun cleaning the kitchen??

I could have chosen to sit on my butt and do nothing. I could have resigned myself to the fact that "I was just born to be fat." That voice inside my head, the one who wouldn't let me quit during the 15k up Percy Warner trails back in August even as mosquitoes were swarming around me and my butt felt like it was going to disown me, would not let me admit defeat. Every time I have to make a decision about what to eat or how to be more active is an opportunity for me to win. Losing weight and maintaining weight loss is an ongoing thing.

While I have slowed down this winter, I'm looking forward to next year and the four half-marathons I have planned. I'm actually excited about getting back into training mode. Crazy, right? I love that new voice in my head. She tells me that I'm invincible. She tells me that I am a bad ass and can do anything. She tells me to keep it moving, even when I want to stop. The new voice is about victory, not defeat. She's about possibilities, not resignation. (insert Lenny Kravitz style, "Unnhh!")