Reflections

Ironic that my previous post was about seeing your angel within and knowing your worth. . .my Thanksgiving has been a tumultuous experience (internally). Amazing how you can feel powerful, accomplished, and bad-ass one day and in a matter of 20 minutes you're right back to feeling like the red-headed stepchild. I wonder how much of my overeating and emotional withdrawal had to do with my always feeling insignificant, unwanted, and never good enough.

When I get around my family I feel like who I am is not important. I feel like I'm an afterthought. The past year I've worked so hard to get to ME and feeling whole. Nothing significant happened. No one did anything to me. Funny, I started not to even come because I felt a little uneasy. As much as I've tried to pray past this and shake it off, I am stuck in this depressive funk--and it's annoying me. I just want to go home back to my real life.

I understand some of what my brother feels. Like we are the left overs from some nightmare that you just have to live with. Memorabilia of a trip gone awry. The feeling is compounded when you sit and watch the reel of the chosen one. It's like it shines a bright fluorescent light on your past and makes it look ten times worse, even if you think you've made peace with it. Even after you've buried the hurt it creeps up around your ankle and makes you ask "what was it about me?" "what didn't I do?" "what if I had been more/less __?" Would it have made a difference. How different would I be as a person? Or would I still be here but asking different questions?

I am sitting here reading scriptures and praying because I don't like being caught in this funk. This stifles my energy. This blocks my spirit. This hides my love. I want to be past this, forever.