We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what

we are. — Max Depree

Changing your life is hard. Challenging people's perceptions is hard. Confronting your inner demons is hard. Practicing discipline and self-control is hard. Add on top of all this, dealing with friends and family while attempting to change. I understand some of how Jesus felt when he had to leave home to step into his ministry. I understand some of what a reformed addict or recently released convict feels (thinking of First Time Offender and 28 Days). It is hard to sustain change when those around you are working against you or are lying in wait for you to revert back to your old self.

While I have received positive feedback from many friends and family members, I still get those who are like "yeah, whatever." One friend even said, "How can a fat girl tell a skinny person how to eat?" That comment so deflated me. It was like someone had thrown a glass of ice water in my face. Couple that with the looks I get when I tell people that I'm a Beachbody Coach. It reminds me of how I feel when I'm racing--alone and out of place, as if people are thinking "what is she doing here?". Amazing that after 79 pounds and many, many miles on the pavement and treadmill my self esteem hops back to that dark place. I thought I left those feelings behind? Those feelings made me go back and think about why I do what I do. The "why" for my current passion. It took me back to my 4th grade May Day Celebration.

Picture it, late April 1987 in beautiful Hawaii. The entire fourth grade class of Hale Kula Elementary were set to perform a hula. My dilemma? We had to all get up from a cross-legged position simultaneously without using our hands--basically, using only your leg muscles to get up. Dude what??? I was mortified. All I could see was me falling or not being able to do it and the audience laughing at the fat girl. I practiced until my legs were sore! I could not face that type of humiliation. On the big day I did it!! I was elated, ecstatic even. . .but not because I was able to do it, but rather, because I avoided humiliation. I avoided being singled out, a joke, a disgrace. I can't tell you any other tidbit about that day or the actual hula; I just remember avoiding the shame.

While others may be comfortable with me remaining that person--that girl so afraid of humiliation that she discounts her accomplishments or sits out of life--I am no longer comfortable there. To become the person I want to be for my self, my children, my family, my friends, and my community I have to be different. If others don't understand that or support that then "deuces!" This train will continue to keep moving and I will continue to post my blog, share fitness tidbits, encourage others to get active, and all those things that some find annoying. I know that they find me annoying because my action causes them to question their actions. It challenges them to BE different. Some will accept the challenge and others will not. . .Either way I will keep trudging along making a difference one mile at a time. . .one person at a time.