Fear itself. . .

I believe success is preparation, because opportunity is going to knock on your door sooner or later but are you prepared to answer that? --Omar Epps 

There aren't many things that I'm afraid of. I have a fear of heights but I'm also an adrenaline junkie so I'll scale heights just to defy my fear. I love it when that shaky feeling in my stomach turns into a scream of exhilaration. My friends balk when I say I want to bungee jump, zip line through a jungle, skydive. I'm not afraid of the dark, the big bad wolf, bugs nor thugs. The one thing I am deathly afraid of. . .is failure.

As of today I am 26 days away from my first scheduled half-marathon for 2011 and I am no where near prepared. My weekly mileage is far below what it should be at this point and my creativity has been hampered by my dread of the cold. I am not prepared. The sensible part of my brain is telling me to pick another race a few more weeks out. The psycho part of my brain is telling me to just do it anyway and see what happens. But what if I proceed with the race on March 12th and don't finish? What if I can't get past 7 miles and have to picked up by the sweep truck?? What if my time is dismal? Do I admit defeat by rescheduling or do I chance failing in 26 days?

It's times like this that I regret making my actions so visible. Had I never told anyone about my goals I could shrink quietly into the shadows and no one would be the wiser. But then, that's what accountability is all about right? Holding you accountable, responsible, for keeping your word. Holding you accountable for following through. . .maybe no one out there really cares whether I go through with the race or not. What's that question about a tree falling in the woods??

I am at a crossroads and feeling a little discouraged. There are so many things that I would like to accomplish but because of my life circumstances I am limited. At every turn I've come up with an anti-excuse or alternative plan to combat the challenges my life presents. At this moment I am envious of those people who waste away precious hours of the day doing nothing. . .my God what I could do with that time! Just give me four of their hours a week and watch what I could accomplish! But instead I have to steal moments each day to do the things that will move my life forward. Instead I give up my time in sacrifice to those around me because my life is not my own. . .

Over the next week or so I will continue to seek God's will. I know that through Christ I can do all things, but God is a God of preparation and order. He doesn't do things haphazardly. When He sends you on a mission He equips you, provides for you, prepares you. . .those He sends into battle do not fail.