Completely ludicrous! It's bananas, yo! It's amazing to me how jacked up our rationalizations and emotions can be. So, it's no secret that I've been a little frustrated for the past month because my outter appearance is not matching up with my inner She-Ra. As much work as I put in, I feel like I'm not seeing any results. The scale plays sick tricks with my head, so I just sneer at it most days and keep pressing on. This frustration I'm feeling leads me to inner stress, which conjures up my old habit STRESS EATING. And then once that begins, my old buddy BANGETH THY HEAD AGAINST A WALL shows up. These two old girls make me sick, serioulsly.
Today I ate a whole pack of Wholly Guacamole--that's 13 servings at 60 calories per serving--along with half a bag of brown rice chips. This is what I consumed from about 8am (yes, breakfast) until 1pm. Then I started berating myself and feeling like a failure, a fraud. It was also around this time that I realized I hadn't had any water all day, so I started chugging water. Sometime around 2pm the migraine set in and I made myself lay down and take a nap. At 3:30 I dragged myself out of bed and got ready to head out to the Mayor's Walk100 celebration. I didn't wear a Beachbody shirt because I felt like I was not a good representative; I felt like a fraud. Once I got there I actually kind of distanced myself from the Beachbody crew because I was about to breakdown crying. One of my BB Buds was so cool, promoting my fit club while he was talking to people and I couldn't muster up the wherewithal to promote myself. So what did I do???? I went to White Castle and got one slider and McDonald's and got a snack size Rolo McFlurry. THE SHAME!!!!!!!
The question I asked myself as I ate, "how is this helping?" The answer: it did not. The eating just made me feel even worse about myself and negated the work I put in this week. Here I was frustrated by the speed of my aesthetic progress and doing the very thing that would most assuredly stunt any progress. The down and dirty truth about weight loss?? Calories in, calories out. Yes, I've done a great job changing the quality of my diet. Yes, I've done a good job breaking up my meals througout the day. Yes, I understand that food is fuel. But there is a problem with my intake. This is the ugly truth. All the work I put in means nothing if I'm going to continue to undermine my progress.
My doctor wants to see me next month and I don't want him to try and persuade me to get an adjustment--this thought is also part of my stress, like a nagging little voice in my head. I have not had one since April 2010 and honestly, I don't think I need one. I will fully admit that's it's tempting as I watch some around me lose weight easily after getting an adjustment and here I sit at a plateau. I've asked myself, what are you trying to prove? Why not get an adjustment? Because I want to prove to myself that I can do this now. I would feel counterfeit encouraging others when the secret to my loss was a cc or two of fluid added to my band.
I cannot change what I've eaten today. I had hoped to get in my six mile run after the kids went to sleep. . .but of course they decided to aggravate me until 10p. That means that my only activity for today was the 5 minute dance at the Walk100 event today. (sigh) And I'm not fooling myself into thinking that I'm going to pop in a dvd. Today is a wash. Tomorrow is chance to get it right, to stick to the plan, to be the person I know that I am on the inside. Food is not my comfort. Food is not my stress relief. Food is not my refuge.
Honestly, nor is exercise. . .Perhaps I'm feeling so discombobulated lately because I've allowed myself to be disconnected from God. I've not been committed to my morning prayer time. I've not been as focused on my ministry work. I've been living spiritually haphazardly for the last two and a half months, so is it any wonder that everything else is off kilter? So maybe before I go all gang busters with my grocery list and workouts I will start with getting back to my comfort, my stress relief, my refuge. . .my savior.
Oh girl! You're gonna make me cry! I am so right there with you. I've been off spiritually the last few months as well and the evidence is all over the rest of my life. My diet is off, my runs haven't been "right", and we won't even talk about my parenting. ::sigh:: You are not alone! You are surrounded (IRL and virtually) by people who love you and support you and know that you are an amazing woman. Tap into your power source and connect with your support system and you will come out of this slump.
ReplyDeleteAnd with that, I'm off to dust off my Bible and have a cup of coffee with the Lord before the craziness starts here. Love you, girl!