Old Man Winter sucks rocks!

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away." — Robert Maynard Hutchins

Dude! I am so demotivated by the cold weather. I realize that I do not enjoy running in the cold--No way, Jose! My hands feel weird (maybe because I need to invest in running gloves), you have to get your layering just right (which takes too much thinking and lots of laundry), and this whole dark sky at 5pm thing is a bummer (I'd rather be under a blanket eating caramel and cheese popcorn watching Frosty the Snowman). I am just being honest.  It's hilarious to me that I had no problem hitting the pavement when it was 100 degrees here in Nashville but I have not been outside running for about two to three weeks. I'm also a little disappointed that I couldn't start Boot Camp, which I was hoping would give me the extra push I need to carry me through until I start training for my next half-marathon.

I know that I am not the only person feeling like this. A Runners' World blogger noted feeling the same "I'll just rest" mentality. But you can't just go with that feeling; you can't just lie around all winter. If you do, then all the great work you've put in will be for naught. When I feel that urge to just rest, I remember all the smaller new clothes into which I've invested my money. I remember all the kudos people have given me for my efforts and how I would hate to face them if I gain back 15 pounds. I think about my little boys who have come to enjoy my workouts just as much as I do (and they all want to run a race!).

So to help in combating my inner blanket-potato I've pulled out my walking workout DVD by Leslie Sansone, the Jillian Michael's set, and am looking into some Tai Chi and Zumba DVDs. I am still working out at least three times a week during my lunch--although I compromised my time last week so didn't end up working out in the gym at all. Sustaining an active lifestyle in the winter is posing to be difficult for me. Add all the food that goes along with the holidays and it seems like I'm fighting a losing battle some days.

I refuse to get another fill (for my lap band) because I don't want to become dependent on it for weight loss. I use my lap band to help reinforce my portion control and low carb habit. Just because you can eat something doesn't mean you should. Yes, now I can actually eat the croissant that accompanies my chicken salad sandwich--but that doesn't mean that I should. Which leads me to a question my Mom posed over Thanksgiving, "Do you think you could have lost the weight without the lap band?"

Honestly, I don't know the answer to the question. I've lost weight before, so I'm sure I could have lost weight without the lap band. But the lap band helped me reinforce healthy habits and helped me see sustained results more quickly. I guess my lap band is almost like a safety net. Is that right or wrong? I don't know but it works for me and I'm thankful.

So, I shall enjoy the down-time and all the Fa-La-La of the season, in moderation.

"It's very hard to understand in the beginning that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants to quit."-- Dr. George Sheehan

Sometimes I hear this voice in my head saying, "You're gonna gain all that weight back, watch." I hear people bragging all the time about losing 15 pounds or 50 pounds and while I congratulate them I'm really thinking, "But can you keep it off?" Not because I'm sadistic and hateful, but because I know the true test is in the maintenance. I've lost hundreds of pounds over my lifetime, but I've never kept it off for any significant amount of time. Back in 2003 I lost a whopping 60 pounds; i went from 312 pounds to 252 pounds. And then winter came. Then I met a man. Then I got married. Then I changed jobs. Then I lost 15 pounds. Then I had a baby. Then I went through depression. Then I had twins. Then I was even more depressed and weighed in at 319 pounds in 2009.

So, that voice I hear is born of my past experience. I hate that voice because I'm not one to be ruled or driven by fear. What I have found over the last five months is that my greatest motivator is the need to achieve, to be better than I was a week ago. This evening that voice of fear started in. Then his cousin anxiety started messing with me and had me thinking about how I was going to wash the dishes, put away laundry (which never seems to end!), study my Spanish, read for my class, AND workout. My old self started craving a bag of chips. The need to stress eat started creeping up. That's when I remembered that day on the hill in downtown Nashville when I let go of that old stuff. I refuse to pick it back up.

I made the decision to put on my workout clothes and do a little sumthin' sumthin' in the comfort of my living room. After my endorphin level was sufficient I felt ready to tackle the dishes, but instead of just standing at the sink I extended my workout. I cranked up my MP3 player and danced as I put away and washed dishes. Squats and back kicks, shimmying, using a plate as a top hat, acting like Michael Jackson, perfecting my Temptations 3-point turn. Ahhh!! Who knew you could have so much fun cleaning the kitchen??

I could have chosen to sit on my butt and do nothing. I could have resigned myself to the fact that "I was just born to be fat." That voice inside my head, the one who wouldn't let me quit during the 15k up Percy Warner trails back in August even as mosquitoes were swarming around me and my butt felt like it was going to disown me, would not let me admit defeat. Every time I have to make a decision about what to eat or how to be more active is an opportunity for me to win. Losing weight and maintaining weight loss is an ongoing thing.

While I have slowed down this winter, I'm looking forward to next year and the four half-marathons I have planned. I'm actually excited about getting back into training mode. Crazy, right? I love that new voice in my head. She tells me that I'm invincible. She tells me that I am a bad ass and can do anything. She tells me to keep it moving, even when I want to stop. The new voice is about victory, not defeat. She's about possibilities, not resignation. (insert Lenny Kravitz style, "Unnhh!")

Reflections

Ironic that my previous post was about seeing your angel within and knowing your worth. . .my Thanksgiving has been a tumultuous experience (internally). Amazing how you can feel powerful, accomplished, and bad-ass one day and in a matter of 20 minutes you're right back to feeling like the red-headed stepchild. I wonder how much of my overeating and emotional withdrawal had to do with my always feeling insignificant, unwanted, and never good enough.

When I get around my family I feel like who I am is not important. I feel like I'm an afterthought. The past year I've worked so hard to get to ME and feeling whole. Nothing significant happened. No one did anything to me. Funny, I started not to even come because I felt a little uneasy. As much as I've tried to pray past this and shake it off, I am stuck in this depressive funk--and it's annoying me. I just want to go home back to my real life.

I understand some of what my brother feels. Like we are the left overs from some nightmare that you just have to live with. Memorabilia of a trip gone awry. The feeling is compounded when you sit and watch the reel of the chosen one. It's like it shines a bright fluorescent light on your past and makes it look ten times worse, even if you think you've made peace with it. Even after you've buried the hurt it creeps up around your ankle and makes you ask "what was it about me?" "what didn't I do?" "what if I had been more/less __?" Would it have made a difference. How different would I be as a person? Or would I still be here but asking different questions?

I am sitting here reading scriptures and praying because I don't like being caught in this funk. This stifles my energy. This blocks my spirit. This hides my love. I want to be past this, forever.