Standing in the Sun

There are some moments in life that you don't forget. One of my earliest memories is standing on the sidewalk outside my family's home in Chicago and just staring at the sun. I remember the brilliance of it. I remember it was just me but I wasn't afraid. I have no recollection of what I did before that moment or afterward or why that moment even sticks out.

Since then there have been a plethora of memories, some I would rather forget and some my mind has blocked out without my permission. For the past week one memory keeps coming back to me. I think it may have to do with a friend of mine and his recent struggle with diabetes.

Picture it. December 2007, I was pregnant with twins and in my third trimester. For those who aren't aware, anytime you're pregnant with multiples it's considered high risk so you have extra appointments and tests that are run...so much fun really. After one of these "routine" appointments I was told that I had gestational diabetes and was directed to admit myself into the hospital--like right then. I stayed in the hospital a few days while they played around with my insulin levels. Finally, on Christmas Eve they let me go home. But life did not go back to normal.



Preggers with my twins, 343 lbs



I felt like a prisoner in my own body. In the morning I had to prick my finger to take my blood sugar. I had to inject myself in the stomach with two different types of insulin and then I had to eat within a certain timeframe. I remember waking from my sleep with the shakes because my blood sugar had gotten to low. I remember almost crashing while waiting to eat at a restaurant--because I waited too long to eat after giving myself an injection.

Along the way the doctors would say, "You'll probably develop type 2 diabetes." Even after I had the babies they made this pronouncement and even supplied the tidbit that most babies born to mothers with gestational diabetes will develop diabetes. Every time they pronounced that sentence for me and my babies I would say, "No, we won't."

When I would wake up at 4:30am and walk the dark streets of our subdivision I would recall the knowing look on the doctor's face--and I'd walk faster. Every time I looked at a package of food I'd remember that 15g or carbohydrates is one serving.

And then I was denied life insurance. Not because I had any medical problems. Not because I lived a wild and crazy life. I was denied because of the probability that I would die prematurely. There I was 300+ pounds at 32 years old...with a history of gestational diabetes and a "normal" blood sugar level of 112.



My babies, all healthy weight ranges and diabetes free



I would love to send a letter with pictures to my former doctors and insurance agent thanking them for helping me set my will. They will probably never know that their sentences helped me find a road to freedom. It has not been easy. I've taken a few detours. But always when I want to quit, I remember those sentences and the depth of the hopelessness I felt. And then I remember me today and I look at my healthy babies (now big boys)...I can see the brilliance and I'm not afraid.