"It's very hard to understand in the beginning that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants to quit."-- Dr. George Sheehan

Sometimes I hear this voice in my head saying, "You're gonna gain all that weight back, watch." I hear people bragging all the time about losing 15 pounds or 50 pounds and while I congratulate them I'm really thinking, "But can you keep it off?" Not because I'm sadistic and hateful, but because I know the true test is in the maintenance. I've lost hundreds of pounds over my lifetime, but I've never kept it off for any significant amount of time. Back in 2003 I lost a whopping 60 pounds; i went from 312 pounds to 252 pounds. And then winter came. Then I met a man. Then I got married. Then I changed jobs. Then I lost 15 pounds. Then I had a baby. Then I went through depression. Then I had twins. Then I was even more depressed and weighed in at 319 pounds in 2009.

So, that voice I hear is born of my past experience. I hate that voice because I'm not one to be ruled or driven by fear. What I have found over the last five months is that my greatest motivator is the need to achieve, to be better than I was a week ago. This evening that voice of fear started in. Then his cousin anxiety started messing with me and had me thinking about how I was going to wash the dishes, put away laundry (which never seems to end!), study my Spanish, read for my class, AND workout. My old self started craving a bag of chips. The need to stress eat started creeping up. That's when I remembered that day on the hill in downtown Nashville when I let go of that old stuff. I refuse to pick it back up.

I made the decision to put on my workout clothes and do a little sumthin' sumthin' in the comfort of my living room. After my endorphin level was sufficient I felt ready to tackle the dishes, but instead of just standing at the sink I extended my workout. I cranked up my MP3 player and danced as I put away and washed dishes. Squats and back kicks, shimmying, using a plate as a top hat, acting like Michael Jackson, perfecting my Temptations 3-point turn. Ahhh!! Who knew you could have so much fun cleaning the kitchen??

I could have chosen to sit on my butt and do nothing. I could have resigned myself to the fact that "I was just born to be fat." That voice inside my head, the one who wouldn't let me quit during the 15k up Percy Warner trails back in August even as mosquitoes were swarming around me and my butt felt like it was going to disown me, would not let me admit defeat. Every time I have to make a decision about what to eat or how to be more active is an opportunity for me to win. Losing weight and maintaining weight loss is an ongoing thing.

While I have slowed down this winter, I'm looking forward to next year and the four half-marathons I have planned. I'm actually excited about getting back into training mode. Crazy, right? I love that new voice in my head. She tells me that I'm invincible. She tells me that I am a bad ass and can do anything. She tells me to keep it moving, even when I want to stop. The new voice is about victory, not defeat. She's about possibilities, not resignation. (insert Lenny Kravitz style, "Unnhh!")

Reflections

Ironic that my previous post was about seeing your angel within and knowing your worth. . .my Thanksgiving has been a tumultuous experience (internally). Amazing how you can feel powerful, accomplished, and bad-ass one day and in a matter of 20 minutes you're right back to feeling like the red-headed stepchild. I wonder how much of my overeating and emotional withdrawal had to do with my always feeling insignificant, unwanted, and never good enough.

When I get around my family I feel like who I am is not important. I feel like I'm an afterthought. The past year I've worked so hard to get to ME and feeling whole. Nothing significant happened. No one did anything to me. Funny, I started not to even come because I felt a little uneasy. As much as I've tried to pray past this and shake it off, I am stuck in this depressive funk--and it's annoying me. I just want to go home back to my real life.

I understand some of what my brother feels. Like we are the left overs from some nightmare that you just have to live with. Memorabilia of a trip gone awry. The feeling is compounded when you sit and watch the reel of the chosen one. It's like it shines a bright fluorescent light on your past and makes it look ten times worse, even if you think you've made peace with it. Even after you've buried the hurt it creeps up around your ankle and makes you ask "what was it about me?" "what didn't I do?" "what if I had been more/less __?" Would it have made a difference. How different would I be as a person? Or would I still be here but asking different questions?

I am sitting here reading scriptures and praying because I don't like being caught in this funk. This stifles my energy. This blocks my spirit. This hides my love. I want to be past this, forever.

Angels Within

"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." --Michelangelo

When you look in the mirror do you see the angel? Do you see the beauty that is in you? The power? The hotness? (ha ha) If you can't see it, what's clouding the reflection?

Every time I hit the pavement I hear the chisel. Every time I choose a small portion over a huge plate, I feel the chisel. Chipping away, one small piece at a time. What I'm finding is that the chiseling involves more than my outward appearance.

If you can't see your inner angel when you look in the mirror, then you need to consult with your maker. Do you know your worth? Do you see your beauty? If you can't, ask God to reveal it to you. Ask Him to help you understand your worth. You are worth the investment in yourself. You are worth the time it takes to chisel away at whatever is hiding that beautiful angel.

For anyone who happens upon this blog, I pray that God reveals Himself to you and who YOU are in Him. For anyone who has struggled with weight, I pray that you learn to love and value yourself no matter what size you are right now. Your beauty is not bound by your dress size nor is it faded by your portion size. I pray success for you in every area of your life. In Jesus name. . .Amen.

Ready to REMIX!!!

"Most of us have just learned to exercise our survival muscle. It's time to build our victory muscle." --Iyanla Vanzant

When I started this journey on July 1st I had one big hairy audacious goal in mind--complete a half marathon. In the course of achieving that goal I discovered some untapped things within myself and started a journey down a road to fitness that I had never fully explored. Many times in my life I had taken a tour but it wasn't until this summer that I decided to become a citizen.

After completing two 5ks, a 15k, and a half marathon in five months I've begun to slow down a bit. Partly because of the weather (it's getting bleeping cold!) and partly because I no longer have a sitter on Monday evenings. It's time for a remix. I do not want to just do enough to keep my weight at bay; I want to do this thing purposefully, ambitiously, always with victory in mind. I'm not the type of person to piddle about just passing time--my action always has a purpose and is done purposefully.

The change in weather and in my life situation (yet again!) has made me think mixing up my workout routine. This may mean that for the winter, running may take a backseat to cross training. While the obvious substitute is the treadmill, I can only take rat-running for so long. It bores me. The other night I had to pull out my Jillian Michael's cardiomax for a quick workout. I may also try to find some Zumba and Pilate's DVDs. This is in addition to my lunch time workouts, of course.

Do not get it twisted--this remix is just temporary. I've already planned out my running life for next year so my training is back on and kicking come the end of February. For others of you on the quest to LIVE fit, please don't the seasonal indulgences and the cold weather set you back. Rethink and remix. Besides, I need to fit into some really fabulous dresses for upcoming holiday parties and my Grandma's cruise in February. Last year this time I was wearing a size 22 dress, but this year I'm shopping for 16s. Oh yeah!!

Brrrrr-ing it on!!

Yo world!! This past weekend (Nov 6th) I completed the Hot Chocolate 5k in Chicago, IL. It was an absolutely fabulous trip. This was by far the biggest race I've done to date. There were 15,000 people registered for the 5k and another 15,000 for the 15k. My whole reason for signing up for this race was to focus on my running intervals.

My last visit to Chicago was when I was 17 years old. I had visited DePaul University and fell in love with the city. This time around I stayed in the heart of the Loop area at the Club Quarters Central Loop Hotel--great little boutique hotel with great rates, they will even bring fitness equipment to your room. I was able to walk to both the expo and the race.

The morning of the race the temps were near freezing!! I've never run in temps that cold. Thankfully I dressed perfectly: dri-wick tank, two dri-wick long sleeve shirts, fleece vest, tights, running pants, and two bands for sweat and to protect my ears. I didn't get too hot and didn't feel too cold. Some people had on big puffy coats; I don't see how they did it b/c I would get too hot dressed like that once I started moving. I actually hate sleeves.

While the atmosphere was awesome, I was a little annoyed at how congested the course was. There were several times when I was at a good stride but had to cut in and out of the crowd. I couldn't get my full intervals in because of the crowd. The slow spots did give me a chance to take pics of the course--which was absolutely beautiful. My goal was to run for two minutes and walk for three. I was stoked when I hit the 2 mile mark at 29:55. The next think I knew I could see the finish line in the distance. I ran the last 1/4 mile to the finish line; my final time was 45min 47 seconds with a pace of 14:45. Not exactly what I was hoping for but I'm happy with it.

I actually felt really good afterwards. It just confirmed for me that I prefer distance racing. Next year I'll do the 15k--with or without my friends. Two of my friends were supposed to walk with me but were unable to (one missed registration and the other was sick). I love Chicago so much that instead of doing the Derby Festival MiniMarathon in April I'm going to do the 13.1 Chicago on June 4th. The course is up Lake Shore drive, with views of Lake Michigan. I can't wait.

Bring it on! I've relaxed for the past few days but now I'm ready for the next challenge. Onward, Soldier!!!