Today on my Facebook page I posed the question: Is food addiction real? Is it learned or is it written on your DNA? Can you ever really recover?
I workout 4-6 times a week and love it, but my challenge is consistently eating well. Yes, I eat so much better than I did a year ago but I am frustrated with myself because I feel like I should "get it" by now. My head knows what's right and what the best choices are, but something happens when I actually encounter the food that I don't really know how to explain.
While eating dinner last night I stopped to observe my five year old and almost cried because I saw myself in him. He was eating very fast and had food in both hands. It's like he was trying to eat it before it jumped off his plate. Then I realized that it wasn't the first time I'd noticed that. The kid has a "thing" for food. Will he suffer with obesity? Will he struggle with his weight the way that I have? Am I doing enough to set a good model for him to follow now?
Lately I've been reading a lot about whole foods, macro-nutrients, organic foods, etc. There is so much information out there and sometimes even the stuff you think is healthy can be counter-productive. As I navigate this side of my journey I realize that this will be much harder than the physical aspect. I may never completely recover from my food addiction. I may always have to remind myself that "I am not a refrigerator; I was not made to store food."
I checked out the Food Addicts In Recovery website and almost cried because I answered yes to enough questions to stop counting. Part of why I stopped Weight Watchers is because constantly calculating and thinking about food made me THINK ABOUT FOOD all the time. And my stress at figuring up numbers would get me to eating. Such a crazy cycle. Even now I will sometimes eat something and think, "Well, let me do a set of push ups, squats and jumping jacks to help burn it off quicker." Or I'll have some unplanned item and feel so much shame and guilt because of it. I want to be rid of the shame and guilt that exists in my relationship with food.
I probably may never be able to keep Klondike bars safely in my freezer or chips (even brown rice chips) in my cabinet because I cannot always be trusted. The main purpose of food is FUEL. I know this in my head and I understand the physiological purpose of food, but something in my mind ties food to other things. I literally have to talk myself out of indulging in things sometimes, and I'm not always successful. Sometimes when I am eating and I feel full I have to make myself stop. If you have never experienced this, I don't know that I can fully explain it.
Please understand, that I do not pose the question as a justification or excuse for practicing unhealthy eating habits/behaviors, but rather because if I am to move forward I have to understand this thing so that I can reach my goal. Admitting that I'm a food addict is not a cop-out but more about me being honest and admitting to myself that I still have work to do.
As I move forward, my goal is three fold:
- Consume a majority of clean, whole food
- Consistently plan my meals and "cheat" on a daily/weekly basis
- Consistently practice proper portion control
Am I really ready for this part of my journey?
