Food Addiction?

Today on my Facebook page I posed the question: Is food addiction real? Is it learned or is it written on your DNA? Can you ever really recover?

 

I workout 4-6 times a week and love it, but my challenge is consistently eating well. Yes, I eat so much better than I did a year ago but I am frustrated with myself because I feel like I should "get it" by now. My head knows what's right and what the best choices are, but something happens when I actually encounter the food that I don't really know how to explain.

 

While eating dinner last night I stopped to observe my five year old and almost cried because I saw myself in him. He was eating very fast and had food in both hands. It's like he was trying to eat it before it jumped off his plate. Then I realized that it wasn't the first time I'd noticed that. The kid has a "thing" for food. Will he suffer with obesity? Will he struggle with his weight the way that I have? Am I doing enough to set a good model for him to follow now?

 

Lately I've been reading a lot about whole foods, macro-nutrients, organic foods, etc. There is so much information out there and sometimes even the stuff you think is healthy can be counter-productive. As I navigate this side of my journey I realize that this will be much harder than the physical aspect. I may never completely recover from my food addiction. I may always have to remind myself that "I am not a refrigerator; I was not made to store food."

 

I checked out the Food Addicts In Recovery website and almost cried because I answered yes to enough questions to stop counting. Part of why I stopped Weight Watchers is because constantly calculating and thinking about food made me THINK ABOUT FOOD all the time. And my stress at figuring up numbers would get me to eating. Such a crazy cycle. Even now I will sometimes eat something and think, "Well, let me do a set of push ups, squats and jumping jacks to help burn it off quicker." Or I'll have some unplanned item and feel so much shame and guilt because of it. I want to be rid of the shame and guilt that exists in my relationship with food.

 

I probably may never be able to keep Klondike bars safely in my freezer or chips (even brown rice chips) in my cabinet because I cannot always be trusted. The main purpose of food is FUEL. I know this in my head and I understand the physiological purpose of food, but something in my mind ties food to other things. I literally have to talk myself out of indulging in things sometimes, and I'm not always successful. Sometimes when I am eating and I feel full I have to make myself stop. If you have never experienced this, I don't know that I can fully explain it.

 

Please understand, that I do not pose the question as a justification or excuse for practicing unhealthy eating habits/behaviors, but rather because if I am to move forward I have to understand this thing so that I can reach my goal. Admitting that I'm a food addict is not a cop-out but more about me being honest and admitting to myself that I still have work to do.

 

As I move forward, my goal is three fold:

1.  Consume a majority of clean, whole food
2.  Consistently plan my meals and "cheat" on a daily/weekly basis
3. Consistently practice proper portion control

 Am I really ready for this part of my journey?

 

Patches of Time

Much may be done in those little shreds and patches of time which every day produces, and which most men throw away. ~Charles Caleb Colton

As I sit here 25 days away from the Women's Half Marathon-Nashville I am a little baffled at how magical time can be. There are moments in the day when the minutes seem to last forever, but then you look up and a year has passed. Looking through old photographs, reading old journal entries, seeing friends from your past; all these things remind us of how drastically life can change over time.

This year is so different from last year. . .some good, some not so good. Last year one of my driving forces was the fear of not finishing. That fear kept me pushing because I refused to make a fool of myself by falling out of the race midway or being picked up by the sweep truck. I was also driven by the amazement of the things that I was accomplishing. I almost couldn't believe that I was actually walking 6, 7, 8, 13.1 flipping miles!! It seemed so insurmountable then. . .

I'm thankful that I will be stronger and more confident this time around, as this will be my 4th half marathon in a year (whoa nelly!). I am also thankful that a couple of the women from the Fit Girl Posse running group will be participating as well. Last year, God sent my friend Sandy as my angel that day. I was so thankful that I was not alone. While we didn't run the race together, she was there with me at the start and was there to capture my (emotional) finish on video. This year, I hope to be that witness for my FGP buddies. I am so excited to be able to share this part of their journey.  

No, I'm not immediately enthusiastic when my alarm goes off at 4:45am (I've had to set it 15 minutes earlier b/c I kept hitting snooze too often). No, I don't bound out of bed whistling and revving to go. Each morning I have to remind myself why I do what I do. I remind myself of what I've gained by making the commitment each day to live differently than years past.  My enthusiasm doesn't kick in until I'm about half a mile through my run and even then I rely on my inner coach to prod myself to keep going past 1 mile (if time permits). I want to be the person I am now. A few years ago I used to daydream about being someone different. . .wasting time and precious moments of my life.

I am not the fastest. I am not the most experienced. I am not the slimmest. But I bet I could probably win a medal for most enthusiastic. Whenever I race I'm always encouraging others along the course or waving to the volunteers or dancing for the musicians--or because a good song is playing on my iPod (I tend to sing and dance a little as I run/walk). Whatever I lack in speed and agility I make up for in enthusiasm and heart. Part of that is because I understand that there is joy in the pursuit, not just the completion. I don't wait until the end to enjoy the race. Every mile I complete is a mile further away from diabetes, heart disease, feelings of inferiority, depression. . .every mile is a step closer to that dream God hid in my heart so long ago. Every patch of time I have is worth something to me. How can I not find joy in that? How can I not be enthusiastic about that?

Breaking Past the Breaking Point

Breaking point: 1) The point at which physical, mental, or emotional strength gives way under stress; 2) the point at which a situation becomes critical; 3) the point at which something loses force or validity.

In so many ways this has been an awesome year so far. I can say with no qualms that I love my life. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not saying my life is perfect but when I look at the sum total I am content. But every now and then I get frustrated and I have those moments when I just want to stay under my covers and not tackle the world for the day. Those moments have been coming a lot more often the past month and I’m trying to understand it and work my way through it because being sad/tired/frustrated seems to make time drag and takes so much more energy. Negativity is draining but positivity is energizing. Think about it. When you’re around a group of positive people you kind of feel a little “electric” yourself. But when you’re around a bunch of mumbling, complaining, sad people it takes a toll on you. “A cheerful heart is good medicine but a crushed sprit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22).

As of today I am only at 25% of my goal for the year. I know that I work hard. I know that I eat way better than I did last year. I also know that basic math never lies; to lose weight you have to consume less calories than you expend. So my truth is staring me dead in the face and I have to confront it so that I can reach my goal. Up to this point the work I’ve put in has been enough, but because I have fewer fat stores it seems like my body is making me really fight for these last 50 lbs. This is the point at which I’ve faltered before.

Back in 2003 I lost 60 lbs in about six or seven months. I spent 2 hours in the gym, five days a week and got down to a solid size 18 (from a 24/26, 312 lbs) and 252. And then. . .NADA! I stopped dropping pounds. I hooked up with a personal trainer and did three sessions a week but still zilch. By that October I started giving up little by little. I started allowing “red light” foods back into my regular diet, the amount of time I spent in the gym decreased, and I stopped seeing what was possible because all I could see was the number in front of me on the scale. I had hit my breaking point and caved in; I didn’t even fight.

I feel that same thing happening to me right now. Those little voices are saying, “Maybe it’s not meant for you to be any smaller. Why are you working so hard? If you could just do this or that maybe it would be easier.” My inner coach’s voice is even diminished sometimes and it’s hard for me to mentally put myself back in the game. The crazy thing is, I’ve lost more at this point than what’s left to lose. If this were a half-marathon it would be mile 7, that point at which you have more course behind you than in front of you. That’s when I tell myself there is no turning back; there is no giving up because I’m almost done.

I am sharing this with you because if you are at your breaking point, I encourage you to keep pushing. If you’re like me you’ve hit this point a time or two before and gave in. Ask yourself, “What was the result?” Did giving up get you any closer to what you wanted? Did you feel any better after you gave up? Imagine what is possible if you stay in the game and get past that breaking point. Maybe you’ll see a difference next week, next month. You never know what you’re fully capable of if you never allow yourself to get past the breaking point. For myself, I am doing some soul searching and learning how to deal with my food addiction (yes, I have that) and coming to terms with making some drastic changes in my diet.

What I know for sure is that I’ve come too far on this journey to let 50 lbs keep me from claiming victory. This moment shall pass and at the end of it I will be stronger and a step or two closer to my goal.